The Choice :: To Live

So I wonder at myself, again. I wonder when will I choose to live? Yes. I’m alive, I’m manifest in this corporeal form. I made that choice before I had a body to live in. I’m here, asking this question, because I made the choice to be alive. But I haven’t yet made the decision to live, to live through the purpose I came to be alive for.

I’ve figured out what that purpose is. I’m here to write down this story and others, these experiences and others, and so to be a participant in the global spiritual awakening. You may think that writing this story indicates I’ve made that choice. I assure you, that’s an illusion. I’ve made the choice to live before, for a day, a week, an hour. I have lived that choice for several months, only to fall back into despair and terror, or to fall into dissociation in which I exist, but am not really alive.

So, what I wonder is will I ever make the choice stick ?

There’s a question underlying this one. I’m not sure what it is yet.